Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

   Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   People who think they can run away from their problems have obviously never farted on a treadmill.

   Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

   Watching the media CRASH AND BURN is a joke in itself.

   Meanwhile, female Asian voters are upset over a disappointing erection.

   Yay ... Now that the election's over it's nice to see some good old fashioned humor here once again. Oh .... wait .... never mind!

   In these trying times, I want to find good in this world so here goes,,,,, I am extremely grateful that Cap'n Crunch leaves far more gently than it enters.

   At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retarded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.

   Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.

   My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.

   I saved $983.54 on Black Friday. I stayed home watched TV and didn't shop.

   Any bank can be a sperm bank if you're left alone in the safety deposit box room.