Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.

   It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Sure, you may have the last word....as long as it is "Yes, Ma'am" or "I'm sorry."

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.

   Your bumper sticker claiming, "My Chocolate Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" appears to be false. I've never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.

   If I ever write a book it's going to be about "People who waste other people's time by reading about their nonsense" but I probably will never write one so..... never mind.

   Really suffering from PMS today - Premature Monday Syndrome.

   Why does the new thomas the train commercial say it's so easy to score??

   I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon.

   i wonder if cows kno how good they taste.. .

   Saw someone dressed in Darth Vader garb driving an old Honda Civic today. Apparently the recession has touched all corners of the universe.

   Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

   Remember, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD TIME!!!

   When convincing your kid to take his/her medicine, don't taste it yourself before checking the prescription info. Your kid won't understand that daddy only made himself throw up in the sink because he's allergic.