Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

   A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.

   Some angry woman with road rage just yelled out her car window "I'm gonna make your life a living hell!" I yelled back "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now..."

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   A lot of people do not realize thats the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

   My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.

   Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

   When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."

   If you don't know who George Soros is, or who Saul Alinsky was and what Cloward-Piven means, Do America a favor and either educate yourself or DO NOT Vote.

   I wanted a candy bar but instead I did the right thing and ate an apple, with some walnuts and caramel topping.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that