Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.

   People who say "only God can judge me" don't know how Twitter trolls work.

   "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

   I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.

   Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?

   Amazon is buying Whole Foods for $13 billion. Ironically I think I spend $13 billion at Whole Foods also.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.

   Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.

   You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn't fit anymore.

   If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.

   RIP Mainstream Media.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.