Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

   Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again. You’re welcome

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line