Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...

   Co-Worker: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No, but I know a few on Facebook.

   So, as far as that blimp breaking free from its cable today... The cable must have come from Comcast! Comcast Cable never works!

   Yep, no one will notice you're fat if you use a dog or little kids for a profile pic.

   Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.

   I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths

   Surprised I didn't see pics of kids kicking and screaming titled, "Second Day Of School"

   Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.

   Pay no attention to circling vultures, they're with me.

   She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   Ok it has been 9 hours now...I wonder how many people already messed their New Years resolution up???

   I stopped trusting you when you offered me a decaf coffee.

   Hey husbands, only 2 more days to get your wife a gift for Valentine's Day so she can be less angry at you for about 3 hours.

   When I was growing up, families actually did stuff together. Things are so much better now.

   This shutdown seems to be bringing out the inner-retard in everyone.

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   Sure, I'll go to your open bar and watch you get married.