Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that.

   Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Except the absence of herpes.Im pretty fond of not having that.

   I feel sorry for our ancestors who used to have to wait days or weeks to hear from friends that they were laughing out loud.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   isn't sure what's worse...the massive amount of oil gushing into the ocean, or the massive amount of BS gushing from BP executives.

   exceptionally frustrated! How can I creep your Facebook page when I have to wade thru your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan? Make it easy on me people!!!

   to drink or........... to drink there is no question.

   McDonald's is like a one night stand. I crave it. It feels good going down. I completely regret it afterwards.

   since football season is officially here, I will celebrate by tackling the sh*t out of stupid people that piss me off!

   it says on my sidebar on facebook.. "Many of people who like Lindsey Lohan also liked Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" Oh no, that can't be good.

   People give all kinds of excuses to the cellphone guys at the mall as to why they won't stop. "I have a phone with you guys already," or "I just signed a new contract." Personally, I like to cut to the chase with, "I hate you guys."

   The difference between "like" "love" and "in love" is the same as the difference between "for now" "for a while" and "forever."

   You know your friends are starting to mature when you wake up on a random couch after a crazy house party and there's no d!ck drawn on your face.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks entered in the Indy 500...it's not my forte'.

   sliced bread, best invention since icecream on a stick...

   A penny saved is no longer a penny earned. It is a government oversight!!!

   a toast to Levi Strauss, who died today in 1902 - "Thanks for making my ass look good all these years!"

   chloraseptic tastes like the smell of a new shower curtain

   Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.