Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

   I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

   Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   large and in charge... well, one out of two ain't bad.

   sure i'll sign oprah's pledge to make my car a cell free zone... it'll free up both hands to hold my grey goose bottle.

   Butterflies in the belly and weak knees...The 2 best feeling in the world!

   Here is a great way to manage people; look for the good in them and then tell them about it.

   When I was a boy, we didn't bail countries out. We took their land.

   Some "smart phone." Can't even tell the difference between a "Missed Call" and a "Purposely Ignored and Sent Straight to Voicemail" one.

   Tell me... What came first the chicken or the salmonella?

   The first person who was used for a silhouette must have been ridiculously ugly. "Woah, change of plans. Instead of a portrait, how about we just take the shadow of your face?"

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   I'm getting my "Happy Halloween" out of the way right now. I will probably be too hungover to remember or care tomorrow

   Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.

   I bet those adults that remind others of how many shopping days were the kids that reminded the teacher to give homework at the end of class.

   Bill Clinton Joins Cast of The Hangover 2

   Telling me I can't is like asking me to prove you wrong!

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   I'm a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt. I was f-kin hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.