Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bruce Jenner went from paying $20 to get into the club to getting in for free.

   Here's an idea: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

   My Psychiatrist is getting tired of starting our sessions with "Why do you think they unfollowed you?"

   Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"

   You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

   She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

   How can Canadians be so nice and their geese be such a-holes??

   I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   I finally found my girlfriends G spot.. Turns out her sister had it .

   Mariah Carey didn't give the performance that 2016 wanted, but she gave the performance 2016 deserved.

   I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.

   I guess the dead didn't get out to vote.....

   I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.

   Turns out Santa is the ultimate Millennial Hipster ..... He works one day a year .... and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   Why is it called "Planned Parenthood"? Since they provide birth control and abortions it should be called "Prevent Parenthood".