Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   The best part of the Grammys is not watching them.

   My bicycle lets you know that I am economical and environmentally responsible. The streamers on the handlebars let you know that I party hard

   If you're single and you know it pet your cat.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Don't be that guy who says something depressing when everyone is having a good time.

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   You can always count on the sperm bank to take the load off of your hands.

   Dear Girls : No Need To Do Anything For Halloween … Just Remove The Makeup And Go To The Party

   I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.