Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bicycle lets you know that I am economical and environmentally responsible. The streamers on the handlebars let you know that I party hard

   If you're single and you know it pet your cat.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Don't be that guy who says something depressing when everyone is having a good time.

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   You can always count on the sperm bank to take the load off of your hands.

   Dear Girls : No Need To Do Anything For Halloween … Just Remove The Makeup And Go To The Party

   I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.