Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 90 of 6387
I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
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04-24-2017 16:41
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No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.
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09-19-2017 09:07
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I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...
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03-12-2020 12:24 by MrSharp
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My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
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06-01-2020 12:23
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Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.
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12-15-2021 11:49 by MM
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October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.
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10-10-2021 15:11
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Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.
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10-10-2021 15:11
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Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.
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11-12-2018 10:44
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Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.
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11-13-2018 14:11
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A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.
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11-15-2018 18:02
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Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now
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12-09-2018 10:22
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May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
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12-27-2018 15:50
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I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
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01-16-2019 12:52
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The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark
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03-12-2019 19:47
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You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
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05-10-2019 13:00
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Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office
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10-25-2017 16:28
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When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
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10-31-2017 06:53
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You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
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12-18-2017 10:54
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It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
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01-02-2018 05:40
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