Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

   The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   Instead of Build Back Better, how about you just Put it Back the Way You Found it.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

   It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.