Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate | 04-24-2017 16:41 Comments (1)  


   messageicon No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.
←Rate | 09-19-2017 09:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...
←Rate | 03-12-2020 12:24 by MrSharp Comments (0)  


   messageicon My body is the result of thousands of pull ups. Pull up to the donut shop Pull up to the drive thru window Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”
←Rate | 06-01-2020 12:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.
←Rate | 12-15-2021 11:49 by MM Comments (0)  


   messageicon October is about trees revealing colors they’ve hidden all year. People have an October as well.
←Rate | 10-10-2021 15:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.
←Rate | 10-10-2021 15:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.
←Rate | 11-12-2018 10:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.
←Rate | 11-13-2018 14:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.
←Rate | 11-15-2018 18:02 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now
←Rate | 12-09-2018 10:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
←Rate | 12-27-2018 15:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.
←Rate | 01-16-2019 12:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark
←Rate | 03-12-2019 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."
←Rate | 05-10-2019 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.
←Rate | 09-17-2019 08:05 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  


   messageicon If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office
←Rate | 10-25-2017 16:28 Comments (1)  


   messageicon When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.
←Rate | 10-31-2017 06:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 10:54 Comments (1)  


   messageicon It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 05:40 Comments (0)  




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