Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
←Rate | 03-24-2018 12:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "i'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
←Rate | 03-28-2018 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
←Rate | 04-11-2018 11:16 Comments (3)  


   messageicon Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...
←Rate | 10-12-2017 09:22 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  


   messageicon We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...
←Rate | 04-16-2018 15:15 by JohnY Comments (2)  


   messageicon I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....
←Rate | 05-14-2018 12:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.
←Rate | 05-22-2018 07:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."
←Rate | 04-18-2018 14:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 01:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
←Rate | 05-21-2018 17:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"
←Rate | 04-17-2018 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.
←Rate | 04-21-2018 22:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 19:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.
←Rate | 11-27-2017 04:50 Comments (3)  


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