Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   decided to go barefoot, because i'm always thinking outside the socks

   I'm no Proctologist, but I know an a**hole when I see one.

   not goin bald....im just gettin more head!

   Weird... I just found a haystack on top of this needle...

   Nothing is sweeter than finding out that the cute boy who dumped you in the 12th grade lives in his mother's basement.

   Whoever said "two wrongs don't make a right" has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.

   Unite this Cinco de Mayo to keep sharpies out of the hands of young mexican girls' hands. Feel comfortable in your natural eyebrows ladies.

   Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Grandpa...

   I've got ADD and OCD so that means I've got something new to obsess about every 5 seconds.

   thinks the “8″ in “Kate Plus 8″ refers to the remaining viewers.

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.

   Honk if you love peace and quiet.

   Why is it that car commercials know which old songs were good but oldies radio stations don't?

   They say you always want what you can't have. Well I just had another beer and proved that theory to be incorrect.

   says change your birthday on facebook to todays date, and see how many of your "friends" are totally clueless

   This Wiki Leaks is getting out of control -- They just leaked Santa's christmas list.

   some days I wake up all ready to take on the world!! Today is NOT one of those days

   Spell procrastination : F.A.C.E.B.O.O.K.

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   I want a job in construction. I want to apply to be that guy who is never doing anything when you drive by slowly because they are merging lanes. this guy can usually be seen holding a cigarette and wearing his football teams logo on his hard hat