Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else.

   can officially call myself a man today, made cupcakes on my own without the help of mother!

   I support precisely enough global warming to flood Jersey Shore.

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following.

   thinks Facebook needs to add "imaginary" and "in denial" to the choices for relationship status...smh

   Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ''Thing" with someone.

   Teacher: Imagine you were in a world of dinosaurs and they were about to eat you. What would you do? Smart-a$$ Student: Easy, stop imagining.

   and with the first pick of the 2011 Rapture Draft... God selects Randy "Macho Man" Savage

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.

   My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

   The one thing I'm taking away from The whole Casey Anthony verdict debacle is the fact that Facebook and Twitter are the modern day equivalent of pitchforks and torches.

   You're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   we often spend so much of money on buying clothes but never realize that some of the best moment in life is enjoyed without cloths!

   Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ®, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A None-Government Employee

   Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..

   If before every major life decision, people would just say "What would Charlie Sheen do?"...The world would be so much more interesting....

   Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!

   "Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."

   Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?