Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   Dear God, I've been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven't been mean at all, but I'm about to get up now and I may need your help :))))))

   If I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian, I wonder if that makes me Well-Hung

   me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, a sentencewithoutspaces...

   You have enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something.

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   hates when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s

   I openly admit to looking at your profile. Now, please stop with all the news feed spamming app invites.

   ❒Taken ❒Single ✔ Dont care anymore

   Stalking is such a strong word....i perfer the term surveillance expert

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.

   I just saw a baby with a t-shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas!”

   Just wanted to wish happy holidays to engineers of the electricals. Your postt manage to survive!

   I don't have a smartphone.. I have a phone that shows potential, but refuses to apply its self.

   Just got a peek at Santa's naughty list! Amazingly, it's almost identical to my friends list. Can't believe some of the things you people have done!

   People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn't work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!

   I wounder if other birds look at pigeons in the same way that we look at homeless crackheads

   If I ever shot the sheriff, I'd probably go ahead and shoot the deputy too. Along with any other witnesses, because at that point why not.