Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously, if someone else had been shot in Ferguson, you know Michael Brown would've been one of the looters.

   Two mancode violations to report this week: caught a guy reading his horoscope out loud to his friends, and caught wind at work that one of my friends rode on the back of another guy's motorcycle. Flagrant.

   Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

   Remember when someone would say "Get off the phone so I can use the internet" ?

   WOMAN'S LOGIC... Bikini: no problem Underwear and Bra: OMG!!! DONT LOOK!!!

   The silence of President Obama, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the rest of our black leaders on the killing of Kate Steinle sounds a lot like racism.

   I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!

   This lady with a black eye keeps trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond because it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth...

   electrocuting the engineer

   Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."

   The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick.

   The worst feeling isn't being lonely. It's being forgotten by someone you'd never forget.

   Fubu shirt- $100 ; Rocca Wear sweatshirt- $80 ; Sean John hat- $50 ; Realizing you're white... Priceless.

   wondering who was the first to look at a cow and think;"ill just squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of it!"

   When are the makers of Captain Crunch going to get honest and rename it Tasty Jagged Mouth Gravel...painful but tasty...

   Only 12 % of the earths population can solve this in 30 seconds. Say the 0pposite of these words: 1) always 2) coming 3) from 4) take 5) me 6) down

   Stop being afraid of what could go wrong and think of what could go right.

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.