Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   Single white sock seeks same.

   I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don't own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   Ole Nancy and the other baby murderers are crying awful hard today...

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.