Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Countries should not send athletes to the Olympics as a reward, but should send stupid people as a punishment. Your annoying coworker? Ski jumping. Natural selection as its best

   I just saved a$1,375.00 on my Visa card by not going to Disney World .

   Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"

   Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with sparkling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   Write the name of someone you hate on your arm every day with a permanent marker. That way if you die they'll become a suspect.

   Not to brag, but I have been referred to as "exhausting."

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.