Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

   My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

   Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents. What level of hell is this?

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   In China it's considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

   People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.

   The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.

   Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.

   This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.