Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ever notice Michael Moore looks like Peter Griffin

   I just finished running 5 miles. Just fu@king with you. I'm eating a bacon and sour cream pizza.

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   Fellaz, when a woman says, "that feels good," it doesn't mean go faster and harder. It means to keep doing that.

   If Facebook really did have a dislike button.. some serious drama would go down

   Wow, I had sex last night from 1:58 to 3:01... only felt like a few minutes but I rocked the bed for over an hour!! WOO HOO day light savings!

   Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery

   I'll call the people I see at work "coworkers" as soon as they start doing some work.

   When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.

   Your such a slut. The only reason you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.

   As time passes you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will. Love what you've got. And remember what you had. People change, things go wrong but life goes on

   Little known fact of the day: The tooth-brush was invented in Eastern Kentucky. My guess is, if it was invented any where else, it would have be called a teeth-brush.

   Everyone likes to talk crap about the Salem Witch Trials,,, but have you noticed, We haven't had a witch attack in like 300 years?

   you know somethings wrong in this culture when a math teacher makes $30,000 a year and Kanye can rent the AT&T stadium and propose to Kim with a 15 carat diamond and all he sings is crap music

   I was asked which is my favorite of the "X-Men". Apparently "Caitlyn Jenner" was an inappropriate answer.

   If the devil can't defeat me, cancer doesn't stand a chance in hell

   Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh it, I'm pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   why dont gas stations have black friday specials