Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not a comedian but the joke below sucks big time.

   If Ann Coulter married Madonna, who would be the butch one?

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?

   Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.

   Missed the winning lottery number only by 6 numbers.

   It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.

   Once upon a midday dreary, While I plotted my next mealy, Came an empty rap-rap-rapping at my cupboard door. Quoth the Ramen, “Ever poor.”

   Bless you P ornhub for your categories. Some days I'm feeling the MILF's, somedays the gang b ang. It's like the Baskin Robbins of por n.

   The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce.

   A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn sandwich."

   11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.

   My BEST ever fart,, was the one that made my Grandmother turn round and say "Robert? Who's Robert?"

   I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.

   Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

   Pretty sure the guy who named them "walkie talkies" got fired before he could name other military equipment...

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   The American Justice system was ruined the day they started to allow cameras in the courtroom.