Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

   The Devil came in all his glory to tempt and recruit me, realized who he was talking to, apologized, and asked me for a job application instead.

   Work would be so much better if there was nap time, recess, and gym.

   When moving walkways in airports warn me to watch my step because, "The walkway is coming to a end", my first thought is "I'm moving 2 mph, that is ridiculous." Then when I get to the end all I can think is "Oh crap, I better not mess this up."

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   knows one thing about the speed of light -- It always gets here way too early in the morning.

   says single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and then go to the fridge..........

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.

   Wanna play airport?

   Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.

   categorically denies all allegations......Next question

   On the list of things NOT to do today....play with killer whale.

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   changing the name of MTV to Empty V. Thanks to shows like the Hills, this channel officially sucks balls now

   thinks whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana...

   You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.