Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   They’re not red flags, they’re fun facts about me.

   What does the sign on the out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we’re closed.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned to dance, waiting for the bathroom.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.