Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Deleting your Facebook is the new regaining your dignity.

   on tv shows whenever someone gets audited, they have a box with all of their receipts. Who has a box? I don't have a box. Should I have a box?

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   I would totally watch a House Hunters companion show that explains how some of these idiots have so much freakin' money.

   Why people stopped wearing swords everywhere is beyond me?

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West"

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.

   Not 1 trick or treater last night!!!Thanks to the roll of crime scene tape I got at a yardsale last summer......

   Pro Tip ~~ Do not make popcorn in laundromat dryers.. It really affects the flavor.

   Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.

   As soon as a girl starts to like you, she and her friends have got you on 24 hour surveillance.. They're doing shifts

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.

   Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.

   There needs to be a passenger side horn so that I can honk at my wife when she's driving.