Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh!t" and "syphilis."

   Sarcasm is the bodys defense to stupid people!

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   it true when the Pillsbury Dough boy bends over you see doughnuts??

   Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?

   trying to get a grip on reality, but the gravity of the situation hit me like a falling brick. It broke my hold, so now I can't get back. I guess I'm stuck in this fantasy world for a while.

   Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today,may burn your a*s tomorrow.

   maybe it's just me, but the term "cul-de-sac" always makes me think of a scrotum.

   just sneezed. Thought I'd let everyone know just in case Facebook hadn't gotten around to it yet.

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.

   Happy Cinco De Drinko

   sitting upon his mighty throne, looking over his kingdom, and wearing his crown on a trobled brow. Could some one paaaaleeeeeease bring me some toilet paper.

   The best way to make an old car run better is to look at the price of a new one.

   having a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

   wants to find the just released Winnie the Pooh cookbook. Doesn't matter that he doesn't cook, he just wants to own a book called "Cooking with Pooh".

   thinks work is becoming a nice little break from Facebook.

   Now on two diets...because I was still hungry after just one.

   Joran van der Sloot arrested for murder? Wow! If only there were warning signs.

   Whenever I feel unproductive and unaccomplished, I have to remind myself that "Windows 7 was my idea." That always lifts me up a little.