Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched the movie Scarface. I'm not one to judge, but if you use your entire hand to make the line you might have a drug problem.

   yes we know you are heartbroken but please stop posting all those sad youtube songs.

   Temper is what gets most of us into trouble... Pride is what keeps us there.

   You know you're getting old when 'happy hour' is an afternoon nap

   Freedom is never free. But it will lower gas prices soon !

   Hung-over, Adj. Suffering from near death like state, often catatonic and always with a pounding headache. Unbalanced with no sense of humor. Needs total silence and another drink.

   I don't fear love's magic, I just fear some magicians.

   I can't completely hate on Valentine's Day since its ending signifies the beginning of Cadbury Egg season, one of the greatest seasons EVER!

   School taught me one thing i'll never forget..........how to text without looking

   wonders how different the world would be if bad and stupid people came with warning labels

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.

   When is that guy from the Men's Wearhouse commercials gonna clear his throat?

   When a quiz is NOT multiple choice... You know you're screwed.

   I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.

   The good thing about Facebook is you can make someone disappear from your FB world by simply deleting and blocking the annoying offender. To accomplish the same thing in the real world, you have to find a remote location and take the time to dig a shallow

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.

   Laxatives: check the traffic report before taking one.

   I think it's cool the way they let the Cardinals pick the pope and not the Cubs or Yankees