Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am just one step away from being very rich. All I need now is a lot of Money!

   My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.

   Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself? Well played Santa.

   auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........

   all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf

   if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”

   Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence.

   Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.

   always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.

   Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...

   "The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

   Every time I fold laundry I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and keep folding....

   I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it blankly I realized he loves sticks. I was burning a giant pile of his toys.