Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]
←Rate | 11-26-2018 13:23 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat
←Rate | 12-17-2018 05:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”
←Rate | 07-12-2019 22:18 by PosterBoy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had this crazy nightmare where I actually enjoyed my job. Thank God I woke up before my boss walked in.
←Rate | 09-16-2019 20:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 21:59 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon At my age, "getting lucky" means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon More bad news for Millennials. Hangovers hurt worse the older you get...
←Rate | 08-22-2017 15:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever someone tells me "things could always be worse", I try to be optimistic and reply "things could always be better." That's the power of positive thinking, right?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 04:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".
←Rate | 07-10-2018 23:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.
←Rate | 09-12-2018 06:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.
←Rate | 10-15-2018 14:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"
←Rate | 10-30-2018 22:12 by Jacob Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?
←Rate | 11-06-2018 18:53 by BWood Comments (2)  


   messageicon If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you're walking
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..
←Rate | 01-30-2020 07:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Iowa's voting app failed because it was too icy to climb up the telephone poles to vote.
←Rate | 02-04-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  




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