Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
←Rate | 02-04-2019 13:16 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.
←Rate | 04-12-2020 15:33 by RoboGoon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
←Rate | 05-05-2018 07:14 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
←Rate | 08-04-2017 17:56 by Otis Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.
←Rate | 12-24-2017 18:21 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
←Rate | 08-25-2020 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 08:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
←Rate | 10-28-2020 07:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs? Nobody works at Walmart?
←Rate | 11-23-2020 07:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon to the people who put antlers and a red rudolph nose on your car for christmas, you can’t fool me I know that’s a car
←Rate | 11-23-2020 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The night before a day off is more satisfying than the actual day off
←Rate | 02-17-2021 12:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Since I'm getting older I've been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or chain smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I cannot believe all of these people are out! -Me when I’m out
←Rate | 05-11-2020 13:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do recipes say to "preheat oven?" Shouldn't it just be "heat oven?"
←Rate | 02-21-2019 11:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.
←Rate | 06-28-2019 19:49 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm never more optimistic than when I put fast food restaurant sauce packets in the fridge and think I'm going to use them at some point.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.
←Rate | 11-18-2018 02:25 Comments (1)  




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