Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she buying me beer until she does!

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members... that's how dangerous they are.

   man says to wife "what would you do if I won the lottery"wife replies "take half and leave your ass"husband replies "good,i won 12 dollars here is 6 now get the hell out

   BP HAS STOPPED THE LEAK!! Apparently they put a huge wedding ring over it and it just stopped putting out.

   For sale by owner complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

   BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN IS A MAN.......CHECKING OUT HER A$$....

   women are the only people I know who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   Saw some guy walking in the field behind the house last night wearing an old hockey mask and carrying a machete. He wandered into the woods. Hope he found his way home. Poor fella.

   Why does Jason kill on Fridays when ppl are just starting their weekend? Why can't he wait til Monday mornings when everyone hates their lives

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"

   I love hearing those 3 little words..."Your prescription's ready".

   Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

   I used to have a job where I crushed aluminum cans all day. worst job ever....soda pressing.

   if I was making $150,000 a month, I sure as h-ell wouldn't kill the man who pays me..

   IT ME OR WHENEVER YOU PULL OUT A PACK OF GUM EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY YOUR FRIEND??

   Ladies, if your Facebook status is "It's Complicated" it's really not. It's simple, you have a sh^itty boyfriend, and you're co-dependent.

   Deja F*** U! to the guy who keeps posting those things.

   The awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise & no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again.

   I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there's an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.