Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a can of whipped cream.....you have to shake things up a little before you get anything out of it.

   Reality is for people who can't afford high speed internet.

   I'm going to learn how to make balloon animals. just in case an emergency situation calls for the most annoying sound in the universe.

   Screw it, I'm answering any and all questions today with "As you wish".

   gas prices still rising...back to horses...history repeats itself, Hellloooo Wild West

   we have hunger games at work everyday...starts around 11:30

   I could be a sports analyst because I'm good at saying "at the end of the day" and "arguably".

   I would love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as good as nature did.

   Sometimes when I say "I guess" I'm not really guessing. Feels good to finally clear the air.

   Just to be different, I'm going to cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.

   anyone else have like a thous.. FB friends and post somethin hilarious and get like 2 ppl like it...discouraging, ungrateful b@stards

   I've been to the dark side. They lied about the cookies.

   Who needs a Psychic when we have Google. You have your answer before you are done typing the question...

   My boyfriend yawned during sex, but I really have to blame the dog watching us because he yawned first.

   "do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this...ever

   An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

   My bed is so possessive. Every morning it holds me captive.

   Either way, I'm still going to be laying on the couch and watching TV all day, but if I can hear it raining outside I somehow feel a lot less lazy.

   would be unstoppable if she could just get started.

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!