Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like most Northerners, as the weather warms,,, I worry about the structural integrity of my igloo.

   Researchers in Hawaii recently put webcams on the fins of sharks so they could get a firsthand view of what the sharks see. The first thing they saw: a shark eating the guy who strapped a webcam on its fin.

   Failure is not an option. It's standard equipment.

   No one will think you're boring if you walk around all day wearing a deployed parachute

   Why can't my coworkers just play on their phones like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

   Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.

   Man cannot live on bread alone. That's why we realized the same ingredients in bread can make beer too.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.

   what wine goes with Mood Stabilizers

   We need to celebrate an anti-mothers day to reward those kids who made it through high school without getting knocked up...

   Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.

   Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.

   Costco Because married people deserve to go on dates too.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, a wild trap door appears and prove me wrong.

   practicing my "I Love It" look when I get another tie from my kids.

   Facebook, where people can pretend to be everything they really aren't to the friends they really don't have.

   At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs they are adopted?

   Best advice I can give to newlyweds is to buy a really comfortable couch.