Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.

   It's actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she's not around to have it.

   People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing

   Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8

   Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club

   It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.

   Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.

   The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working.

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"

   Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.

   Dear GoFundMe, please allow us to raise money to pay someone to punch Kanye square in the face.

   I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

   the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 7lbs.

   Dear bill collectors, I know I still owe you....but I have some GOOD NEWS!!! I typed "Amen" on a Facebook post, and in 48 hours, I will get a TON of money. So, when I get it, I will pay you.

   One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

   There are no warrants out for my arrest so we could go basically anywhere on a date.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.