Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new years resolution is act like I am interested in your new years resolution

   Does anyone find themselves singing hollaback girl anytime they need to spell the word bananas?

   if you're on a dating site and put that your "not looking for anything serious" in your profile why not be honest and just say "l need to get laid!"

   "A man must be Big enough to admit his mistakes, Strong enough to fix them, & Smart enough to listen to me next time!"

   Due to the politcal climate in America today, all "Target" stores will be changing their names to "Objective"

   I'm disturbed by the Activia 14-day Challenge. Why do they want a video? Proof of the giant BM after eating copious amounts of fiber for 2 weeks?!

   Google and Me, it's like we finish eachother's sentences."

   I guess running up to a squad car, screaming "shot-gun" isn't as funny as I thought it'd be?

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

   Figured out who my favorite child is on the drive home today when "Thunder Struck" by AC/DC came on the radio. Child #1: What is that noise? Is something wrong with the radio? Child #2: Turn it up papa!!

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   "Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"

   We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.

   Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   Toronto: what did you expect when you elected Chris Farley for mayor?

   Miley Cyrus eats Twerky for Thanksgiving..... (I am so sorry)

   The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.

   Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.