Funny Status Messages

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

   One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.

   Math problem: If you have 3 cats and you buy another 2 cats, how long before you die alone?

   Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don't stop long enough for you to reply!

   Hey person calling me from a blocked number, I’m not answering. Ever.

   Most people spend their time trying to find someone to sleep with, instead of finding someone worth waking up to.

   Why is it that girls in tampon commercials laugh and dance ? shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burning shit down

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.

   If today drags anymore, it's going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress

   If the person is more than 25 feet away from you, holding the door is creepy.

   Just found a Fruit Roll-Up in my pocket, which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt in their lunch box.

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."

   WORDS OF ADVICE: Whenever she says "I think we should see other people", what she really means is that she's been seeing someone else behind your back for weeks and has now grown tired of the charade.

   Facebook should change it from "Friends" to "People I've made eye contact with".

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   BBC News- "Mobiles 'may cause brain cancer'" download our iphone app for more on this story

   Facebook .... the online version of "Jerry Springer" .... but more entertaining.....

   Coffee...Meet your Maker!

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.