Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 72 of 6387
People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.
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07-25-2018 21:12
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If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
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07-28-2018 23:12
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It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.
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09-17-2018 02:22
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Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."
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10-13-2018 18:33
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the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
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05-22-2017 07:39
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Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him.
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09-14-2017 09:21
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Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.
A guy just yelled at me
for texting and driving.
I told him to get off my hood
and mind his own business.
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07-06-2020 12:37
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We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake.
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10-01-2021 04:02
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Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
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12-04-2017 12:05
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This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
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01-01-2018 20:09
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If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.
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07-28-2021 02:53
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Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
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11-10-2017 07:38
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Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
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05-25-2017 08:12
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When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
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09-16-2017 22:22
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I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
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10-09-2020 08:19
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Are they still bad habits if I like them?
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04-10-2021 01:24
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It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
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10-13-2019 17:30
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When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?
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04-03-2020 10:02
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