Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only instant messaging I do is with my middle finger.

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   May the 4th be with you.

   I wonder if gay people ever say things like "Oh my god that is SO straight."

   "Every time I see a mattress on top of a car I think it's a prostitute making house calls."

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realized it was a trash can

   Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes

   why does looking at animals covered in oil make me sad, but looking at animals covered in batter and deep-fried in oil make me hungry?

   Whenever you see a sword swallower perform, it makes you wonder what sort of activities they used to do to make them realize they had this talent.

   likes saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.

   Parent:What does 'WTF' mean?! Kid:ummm...welcome to facebook!

   You can't have a Consumer-based economy if none of the consumers have jobs and can't afford to consume!!!

   Reminder - Valentine's Day is only a couple weeks away, it's not too late to break up..........

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished..

   Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.

   “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”

   Don't let your affection give you an infection, put some protection on that erection

   Someone should invent a bra that plays music so girls can't complain that guys always stare at their boobs and never listen to them.

   The older and fatter I get the more my underwear makes me feel like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net.

   Woke up with the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed... at first I was afraid... I was petrified