Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering when BP is going to change the warning label on its gas from; Product contains up to 10% Ethanol, to, Product contains up to 50% salt water....

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   If you got a problem with your woman dont go out and get another woman cause now you got 2 problems

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   Some people should come with subtitles.

   Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   - Why is it that if a guy proposes to a girl and she's refuses it's called 'wanting her freedom' and when a girl proposes to a guy and he refuses, it's called 'being scared of commitment'. =|

   After all these years of impotence, on my headstone I want it to read, "Stiff At Last"

   If Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth, then explain waiting in line for 2 hrs for a 2 minute ride and the $5 sodas.

   I would like to see a tax on every word that come out of the mouth of politicians. That should balance the budget in a day or two.

   All the Animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I've got bad news. The unicorns are gay."

   going to retire from being a flasher.... but decided to stick it out one more year!

   I'll bet if Andy Capp's wife took that stupid rag off her head and dolled herself up a bit, maybe he wouldnt have to get drunk all the time...

   It's never a good sign when you've exhausted your daily website routine within the first hour of being at work.

   feels like being single at 35 is akin to being a vulture...waiting for some other animal to walk away from some good bones that still have lots of tasty meat on them.

   Alright! Drunk me from last night made hungover me some epic sandwiches for lunch today. Man, I love that guy!" :)

   Just saw a guy hold the door open for his girlfriend, then playfully trip her as she walked in. So, chivalry isn't dead... it's just on life support.