Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how ironic would it be to choke on a lifesaver?

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise

   baffled how I have to wake up early every day and deal with people who are unpleasant and David Carusso still has an acting job.

   Has anyone checked on Tupac lately? He hasn't put out a posthumous album in quite a few years.

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   If I've learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it's to stay away from those in the tampon isle.

   Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

   When is Dennis Rodman going to realize that he will be executed as soon as the North Korean basketball team he is training loses their first game???

   It's funny the only two states that legalized pot are sending their teams to the Super Bowl...I bet you won't be able to find a bag of Funyuns in the entire state of New Jersey.

   Hmmm,, How about slippers made out of Legos,, So that when you step on a Lego,, you just get taller.

   I thought VH1 was showing an episode of The Golden Girls, but turns out it was an interview with Steven Tyler, David Bowie & Keith Richards.

   The NAACP: Now with no artificial colors.

   I came up with a plan to help people with debt, it's called "Don't buy s*it you can't afford it!"

   I dream of a Kardashian-free 2016.

   My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.

   President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."

   The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."

   How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.

   Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

   It's almost 24 years later and so far the magic still hasn't gone out of my divorce