Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you want it sugar coated, go to Dunkin Donuts.

   So my daughter who is 6 years old (about to be 7 in January) can text on her cell phone, google and youtube Justin Beiber videos on my laptop. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I knew how to dial 911 on the house phone!

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. Shirley, he will be missed.

   Here's the best advice of the day: If you call a psychic and they don't greet you by name, HANG UP!!!

   I hate liars, but I love a good bedtime story.

   If I had a dollar for everytime that I wished I had a dollar......

   For those of you whose New Years Resolution is to lose weight. There is one simple diet that works. It is, as follows: If it tastes good - spit it out.

   ‎'If you see an angry bear, pretend to be dead,'...are you sure? I won't be pretending for long. It's a bear that's already angry. The last thing I should be doing is playing a practical joke on it.

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.

   To Like Your Own Status Or Picture On Facebook Is Like High-Fiving Yourself!!!

   When Kraft writes "To open push here" on their mararoni and cheese box, what they really mean is "You can try, but this tab is never going to open"

   Make love, not war.-Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

   It's whiter outside than a Pat Boone concert!

   reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

   So far today I've accomplished absolutely nothing - maybe I should be a politician.

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the f*ck up" be a virtue?

   I'm 35 years old and still haven't figured out how to fold a fitted sheet.

   How come when a man doesn't shave for a few days, it's considered "sexy stubble" but when a woman doesn't shave for a few days it's "disgusting or looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock"?

   Something about winning always attracts losers with opinions