Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!

   Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, “Phew, good thing I already live with my parents.”

   Don't wear the label people give you!! They only know you're name and not your story and one day eventually some of them will end up having to kiss your ass!!

   You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

   I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong

   I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house... then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.

   After suffering my 5000th stubbed toe, I believe now is the time to invent "Nerf" end tables!

   " I think Randy Moss will stay retired" -Brett Favre

   I hate gently tossing my phone on the bed and it ricocheting off three walls, hitting a lamp, and a cat.

   Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids

   There's nothing more exhilarating than playing air guitar in your underwear...

   After spending millions in research scientist still do not know exactly how long a cotton picking minute is.

   I think 'supervision' isn't nearly as cool as it sounds...

   Everyone has that friend in the group that everyone hates but just keeps them around for the sole reason of hating him. If you think that's not the case in your group, then you're that friend.

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   Reading an article that said, "spice up your love life”. One of the suggestions was to make love in a car wash. It's also the perfect way to ruin a church fund raiser.

   people with narrow minds , are normaly the ones with the biggest mouths.