Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The future of American women is being led by role models like Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Nicki Minaj... you're totally screwed.

   If I get married I want it to be for all the right reasons, like needing health insurance and getting a tax break.

   Does it ever rain on The Walking Dead???

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.

   Back in the day I was attracted to this chick but never had enough guts to ask her out but after witnessing first hand the drama she creates on Facebook I am glad I dodged that bullet.

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him.

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   Beam him up, Scotty. There is no more intelligent life down here.

   I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"

   BREAKING NEWS: Handsome rich man from New England forced to take 4 week vacation with Super Model Wife...Nations Weep...

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   "Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though." - american media

   The Happy Meal at Taco Bell comes with a pair of clean underwear.

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.

   Apparently Michael Douglas has not heard of Orbitz gum