Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn't work. I'm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

   : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

   When your children come up to you after a minor incident and say," This is the worst day of my life!!!" Just look at them.....smile......and say, "You haven't seen anything yet".

   Dear Santa: This year instead of a gift wish list, I'm sending a list of people I would like to see disappear. Thank you.

   Wine tasting is very disappointing. I prefer wine consuming where the server gives you a bottle and leaves you alone. I don't need a history of how these grapes were stomped and I'd appreciate more than a thimble sized cup.

   Facebook: Where people go to re-experience their childhood rejection & acceptance issues all over again.

   by now, even Ed Hardy thinks that shirt makes you look like a douche.

   Dear person sitting next to me in the stall... I can hear you playing a video game on your Blackberry and it's annoying the crap out of me. Well done!

   I always thought about joining the debate team but I already know I would get kicked out for saying "Yeah well F**k you" when the other team makes a good point

   You are A-Attractive, B-Beautiful, C-Charming, D-Dear to me, E-Exciting, F-Funny, G-Godsent...H-Hehehe, I-Im, J-Just, K-Kidding...

   Washing my face, eyes are closed and the cat rubs against my legs. First thought: "SHARK!!!" Second thought: "No more Discovery Channel before bed!"

   dear local weatherman if its 92° and feels like 102° then guess what dumbass? its 102°

   If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

   has a 'get-rich-slow' scheme... and it's working perfectly!

   I remember the good old days before reality tv when you actually needed talent to be a celiberty. Hey Spencer and Heidi, I'm looking in your direction! And lets not forget you Mss Tequila!

   has heard that Toyota's new 2011 Camry will be so advanced it recalls itself.

   Happy Father's Day to all of the guys who have a kid and don't know about it.

   If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

   Don't let life get in the way of your dreams... go back to sleep!

   decided it was time to leave the restroom when the guy in the stall next to me shouted "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!"