Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm seeking scientific study assistants and participants to publish a study called "The Perfect Orgasm" - Pay is $20 per session

   Do I love my co workers ? No But are they really good at their job and make my life easier ? Also no

   Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

   I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

   Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Floods, Hurricanes, Tsunamis etc are considered Acts of God. What a nice guy!

   I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.

   No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.

   I never let anyone drive me crazy, because I know it's within walking distance!

   If a f#% chic is the equivalent of a b#%! dude. I really need to do something about my weight. I don't want to Roll like that

   BRB.... am I more than you bargained for yea.

   This is our Mahoment!!

   AI photos are like instant mashed potatoes. You can easily tell they're weird, tasteless and nowhere near the real thing.

   Me: [donating my body to Science] Science: [donates my body to Goodwill] Goodwill: [Leaves body on their lawn, with a sign that says "Free..please take!"] 🤷

   If you scan a tribal tattoo at a Walmart price checker, it unlocks a secret a room where homeless men fight to the death for the amusement of Toby Keith.

   Airport

   All men eat ass, they just wating to see if they can do it without you telling anyone... Be patient and keep that crack clean!

   Tweets are expanding to 280 characters and now I am looking for someone to write a forward for my soon-to-be-published tweet.

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.