Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   Hippity hoppity your kneecaps are now my property 😃

   I had a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him to press 1 for English.

   We need gun control we almost lost Trump

   Chip clips are for quitters!

   I have 2 dozen Large eggs , will trade for a New Snowmobile or Small truck

   Today I took a long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   ME AT THE GYM : WHERE ARE THE STEPPING MACHINES ? GYM RAT : UPSTAIRS BRO ME: TAKES ELEVATOR

   Romans after the eclipse… Veni, vidi, nōn vidi!

   You put your face in it and no more zits.

   I rolled over too fast in bed and sprained my fat roll !

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I could add to these.

   My friend is single and middle-aged. I think she might be Catholic. Sorry, I mean cat-holic.

   told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   To all you folks out there that have no life and need this Eclipse to fulfill that void in your life? I heard if you moon the eclipse, you will become a smart ass like me and will become significant and with purpose!!

   By 11:59pm on 4/8/24, a lot of people are going to look ignorant. It will be those expecting to be raptured or everybody else.

   Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

   Ha ha funny

   The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

   sed my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair