Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand the Indian people. They win spelling bees, but can't keep a plane in the air.

   We love Canada. The women aren't nearly as fat, the men aren't nearly as dumb, there are far less kids getting shot in the head at school, and it doesn't smell like sh*t. 🇨🇦

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If any of you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it.. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   i like butts

   Not sure why Jesus hadn't figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

   More like your meth smoking mama driving in the left lane on I-95.

   Elon musk is not the richest man in the world. His boss is. Who's his boss? Vladimir Putin

   What had 200 legs and no pubic hair? Front row at a Taylor Swift concert

   The thing with older women is you never know whether you're in the vag or a wrinkle.

   Not to brag but cashier's always check me out.

   I can’t sleep and just wanna eat all night. I think I have insom-nom-nom-nomnia.

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my very old prom dress.

   As the weekend approaches remember this, " A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure. ”

   I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

   My wife and I have been married for quite some time. Our secret is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them. I need to know.

   I accidentally took my dogs meds this morning...TELL ME I'M A GOOD BOY ... I'M A GOOD BOY RIGHT ? WANNA SCRATCH MY BUTT ? CAN I SMELL YOURS ?

   Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable? Just say, "Tell me if you can hear this". Then get in the trunk and start screaming.