Funny Status Messages

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Made it through another day without having to know karate.

   Problem with voting for Trump is that you don't know what you're going to get. Problem with Hillary is that you do.

   Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I'm having scrambled eegs

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

   I had to explain to my brother that a milf is supposed to be someone else's mother..

   A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?

   It seems so unfair, someone that filled millions of hearts with joy and laughter, suffered from the deep pain of depression. ..... RIP Robin Williams

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   When I ordered my extra value meal today, the waitress put a leaflet called 'Healthy Eating At McDonald's' into the bag with my food.......That's just what I always wanted, a quarter pounder with lies

   relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control