Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I got a haircut and didn't post the selfie on social media, did I really get a haircut?

   I just vacuumed up a nickel and it sounded like the crescendo from Ride of The Valkyries.

   My Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty Pay.

   Women to say one thing, but think something different. Don’t believe me? Women say Lizzo is amazing. Tell a woman she looks like Lizzo to see what she really thinks.

   I’ve decided to raise my kids gender neutral. Not because I’m embracing any LGBTLMNOP agenda but more because I like buying stuff on sale.

   Boomers. A generation of hypocrites who were anti-money and anti-government in their hippie days, but became the exact opposite when they got older.

   Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

   My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

   I've beaten my addiction to Heroin, so Yay for eating soup with spoons again

   I'm trying to master the art of eating a powdered doughnut, without looking like I just got back from the White House

   Sephora is my favorite place to fart.

   My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords.

   My girlfriend asked if I noticed anything different, so I held my breath til I passed out.

   So she said, "I'd like to have dinner again if you would like to." And I said, "Can we do it another time? I'm full."

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, then everyone disagrees.

   It's sooooo hot, Hunter put ice in his coke

   Tom Cruise got his line all tangled on his rod & reel. It made Fishin' Impossible

   I started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried Grapes. It's all about Raisin awareness.

   Anybody have a good recipe for stuffed rice? 🙃

   Yeah. It's callled SUSHI.