Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact Checkers didn’t exist until the truth started getting out.

   I had a blind date tonight. She had crabs. Good thing she was wearing fish net stockings.

   Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

   The main difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo is that no one pretends to be Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.

   BUDLIGHT's new promotion, Free knee pads with every purchase!

   I often wonder what they plant to grow seedless watermelons.

   Whenever I see a Facebook profile shared by a man and woman, I wonder which of the two has the the tightest vajayjay.

   How do you spot a nosy pepper? It gets jalapeno business

   An old man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlor and pulled himself painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress goes, "crushed nuts?" "No, no, no" he said. "Arthritis."

   This coming up Winter Olympics, I'm going to self identify as a woman, and compete in the women's " Snow writing " competition.

   If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits..

   Marriage tip: If you're getting ready to go out in public with your wife, ask her, "Would you please put on some makeup?" This will help her understand that you are concerned with her appearance, and she will love you more for it.

   I always go the extra mile but sometimes it's because I missed the exit.

   instagram caption about jisoo

   20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   For vegetarians they have plant based beef, so do they have meat based fruit for meat eaters?

   Last night I had some wine, and whenever I do, I get sad over something. I got sad for all the poor strawberries who heard "Strawberry Preserves" and thought they were safe.🍓

   I had a nightmare about Peppa Pig. The dad told his family that he got a new job with Oscar Mayer Bacon. 🥓🥓

   ALDI: "We bring you discounted prices on all your grocery store needs. But, we have to draw the line somewhere, so no plastic bags for you to carry your discounted grocery store needs home."

   Some people wonder what the meaning of life is. Some people wonder if we're alone in the universe. Me? I'm just sitting here wondering whose job it is to grease the bearings on the Price is Right wheel...