Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   هل يمكن لأي شخص أن يوجهني إلى موقع ويب مضحك لرسالة الحالة؟

   क्या कोई मुझे अजीब स्थिति संदेश वेबसाइट पर निर्देशित कर सकता है?

   Unless you’re looking for self-inflicted emotional and/or physical impairment, you should perhaps not come to me seeking relationship advice or instructions on how to do a cartwheel.

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   So if the Eagles play a concert at the stadium in Philadelphia, how do people know if they're going to a concert or a football game?

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   Tip: There should be an observation deck at Walmart

   Losing weight is a great idea except for two things. The eat right and exercise part.

   These kids today have no idea how to enjoy a book like we did in the good old days. (We watched the movie on a VCR the night before the exam).

   Are we going to address how awful Ja Morant's rap game is?

   Starbucks at 8am closely resembles the waiting room at a methadone clinic.

   Powdered Donuts

   you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

   3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics 2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

   Fun fact about me. I, too, was once a train wreck in Ohio.

   I don’t like to brag, but I only buy the organic free-range Cadbury® Eggs.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives this Sunday morning. You Know what? I give it 8 months.

   Technically, all the money you ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

   it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says you hair smells nice?