Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when a TV chef says you can easily make this from stuff in your pantry. I'm still waiting for them to show me how to make something out of ramen noodles, potato chips, and a half eaten bag of Oreos.

   Just imagine how many lives have been saved by telemarketers calling the random number of a terrorist's cell phone detonated explosive device. "Hello, I'm calling about your cars extended". . . KABOOM!

   Hurricane Idalia is slowly heading north at 8 mph. Kinda like a person of color driving in the left lane on I-95.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   I bought a watch at a secondhand store and it's real slow. I played cards with my buddies later that evening and the second hand lost a second every second hand.

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu

   This is the only post not stolen from funny tweeter

   I hope he is right about sunlight fighting off COVID. I've had sunshine coming out of my butt for years.

   As a child I learned to play piano by ear. As a teenager I learned to fiddle with my pen1$.

   i love how everyone is like "I'ma take this to the next level" meh most of you could get past level 1-2 in Super Mario Bros.

   They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.

   Yesterday I threw a ball for my dog. I know, it was probably a little extravagant but it was his birthday and he looked so nice in his new dinner jacket.

   I used to be addicted to soap but don't worry, I'm clean now.

   FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 12 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

   To the thief who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy.

   Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

   I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   I miss the days before there was facebook when running into a friend you hadn't seen in while was like "Oh my God! what have you been up to?!" thats now like "Hey, I saw the casserole you posted last night, looked great"

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.