Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A couple bad apples in a bunch doesn't mean that the whole bunch is bad.

   I once had a job with the FBI's Hostage Negotiation Team. Every time I tried to call in sick they talked me out of it.

   Damn, Girl. Are you Black Friday? 'Cause I'm wondering what your deal is.

   Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can't stop stripping.

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   Trump 2023 because it isn't possible either. LOL

   I never realized that the toilet was a good way to get rid of the evidence.

   WELP, ANOTHER DAY I DIDN’T USE a²+b²=c²

   "i refuse to get a microchip implanted in me by means of a vaccine needle" okay? And? thats like saying "i refuse to swallow motor oil by means of drinking milk"

   Kamala Harris quote: "Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? Can you raise your hand if you love a yellow school bus? Many of us went to school on a yellow school bus, right? I remember them now, all yellow and everything."

   Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?

   Ever have Chef Boyardee Ravioli and a can of corn for dinner?

   coworker suggested I drink fewer than six energy drinks so I tossed him through the break room like a discus

   Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.

   Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

   New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years.

   I find it suspicious that the un-vaccinated are now getting the worst of the virus. Just joking, I'm not that stupid to think it's suspicious.

   California is on fire. Good.

   You know you're broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.

   June was once Dairy Month, it's now Fairy Month.