Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.

   What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you're here on Facebook?

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   Karma: the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism: the ability to sit back, enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I like you... People say I've got no taste, but I like you...

   It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   Am I the only 1 who cheers 4 the grape soda in the Kool-Aid commercials?