Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stonehenge was just a failed Neolithic game of Jenga

   [during sex] me: imma turn the ceiling fan on giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

   Here's a freebie Earthlings: treat Covid-19 as you would canine parvovirus.

   I burped & now I'm hungry. Along the same lines, I wonder if a big fart right now would make me horny.

   Bumped and grinded last night.....my head on bed post and my teeth

   I'd like to pretend I'm up north right now, and possess the burning desire to post: "It's snowing and it's cold!"

   I don't want to say you're unattractive, but do they have face transplants?

   I hate it when men tell me what to do unless it's DJs in songs then I'm like yes sir dropping it now

   I flipped over to the History Channel, but that was in the past.

   aac Newton had an apple before they were cool

   I have my Siri set up as a British Male voice so I can pretend I'm Nightrider or make people think I have a Buttler .

   I had fanasy;s about the female voice in my head. She is Pregnant, Great I have to pay child support for the next 18 years.

   "Remove frozen pizza from box and plastic wrapper before placing in oven." (Oh wow, thanks, Red Baron instructions. I don't think I would have known to do that.)

   I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

   If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one video on how to change the oil in my car does not mean I want to watch a thousand other videos just like it. -Me

   don’t invite me to your crib if you got fake oreos. WTF is “Creme Betweens”

   ima sucker for deep talks... I wanna know what made you a lying ass bi**h...

   Wishing your friends a Happy unplug from technology day on Facebook is like walking into an AA meeting with a bottle of whiskey.

   Need money to travel back to 1941 to give Joe Bidens dad a condom.